Ranting About Random Stuff

This is something you'll see from me quite often. I rant whenever I want to. At this point, I'm really worried about my studies. It's not that I'm worried I would fail but at the same time I do worry that I would because I have yet to get started on one of the subjects that requires memorising. No doubt, the lecturer did tell us that we could use our own words but I don't trust myself. I know how bad my logic is and I definitely won't be merited for that.

Do you know how frustrating it is when people tell you that you worry too much about your studies because you always end up doing well anyways? Well, I get that a lot. I mean, it's true that I always worry I'd fail but at the end of the day do pretty well but that doesn't mean that I didn't struggle and I didn't work hard to achieve it. Plus luck always plays a part. I can assure you that if I do not study, I would fail terribly. On the other hand, when I do study, I'd do well because I study thoroughly. I'm not one who likes doing things half way.

I mean, logically speaking, if you're already putting in the effort to study, why not put in all your best. Correct me if I'm wrong. Ah, then there's this whole thing about expectations. I recently did pretty terribly for presentation. I've got stage frights. I got commented on how weakly my points were elaborated and illustrated. I guess I wasn't surprised because I've always had trouble explaining things clearly unless they're things I'm absolutely familiar with. That applies for my factual essay writing and report which I will be doing for this exam and I'm no where near prepared. I'm DOOMED.

I'd be really disappointed in myself if I don't do well for my English subject this semester. English has always been the one thing I've been proud of myself for. Apart from that, most people have high expectations for me doing well in it because they feel that I have a good command in English. I think mine is just average really. There are a lot of people out there with better English. I suppose mine is just considered above average for where I came from.

I mean, my lecturer has given me good comments and that makes me push myself to do well. I want to live up to that expectation since I know I can get there. The only thing is that I know by pursuing this, I'd be immensely disappointed in myself if I don't achieve this. I was already put down by my own presentation but I vowed to do better for my examinations and this is why I'm ranting now. I want to quickly start on that subject so that I can do well.

But anyway, the good thing that came out from the presentation was that I managed to stay composed during the presentation although something went wrong with my slides. Had I done a presentation like this in high school, my mind would have just gone blank and I would have screwed my presentation worse than I already have. Surprisingly this time round, I managed to collect myself and finish my presentation relatively soundly. That I've got to say I'm still quite proud of myself for, knowing my own standards. Right now, I'm just taking this as a lesson learned. At least now I know I can somewhat overcome my stage frights and I would be more well prepared for my next presentation.

Meanwhile, I feel pretty homesick. I miss my friends back home. E in particular. I don't really click with the people here. I mean, they speak English but it's like a whole new language altogether. No, not because they speak Singlish but our topics are different. I mean, college is all about making new friends and having the time of you life because you're finally given the freedom and you still have minimal responsibilities. Right now I'm doing none. Sad to say that I really am doing none. I just hope that things would be better in the future, when I do make better friends. I'm still searching, making as many friends as I can.

I should really head back to my school's badminton club soon. I feel so welcomed there. At least I can make friends there and at the same time have fun playing badminton. It is one of my passions after all, apart from swimming and singing. Speaking of singing, sometimes I miss singing with my choir team in high school. It was stressful nonetheless, with all the training and trying to balance my time but heck it was worth it. When you're singing in a team, the one thing you'd love is the team bonding. The harmony we created together was simply beautiful; not because we aced it but because we did it together, as a team and all else fell into place naturally.

*sigh* sometimes I feel that I'm a very boring person. All I care about is doing well in my examinations as compared to last time when all I cared about was having fun and hanging out with my friends. Well, I guess puberty exists for some reason. Now I can actually put everything else aside and just focus on my studies. I really want to do well in life but I guess there are still some things I must learn to do -- one major thing is perhaps finding that balance. I have yet to care about my personal life when work comes into the picture.

I guess that's why sometimes I go to places on my own. I'm so glad I have relatives here. Well, I guess I will start learning from today onwards. I vow to. Anyways, fml I've been blogging for a few hours now and been doing very little studying so....

Till the next time~